Praying

I love praying and I love having the freedom to pray.  Prayer doesn't cost a thing.  Prayer is intimate.  St. Therese of Lisieux says it best, "For me, prayer is a surge of the heart; it is a simple look turned toward heaven, it is a cry of recognition and of love, embracing both trial and joy."  Prayer is also listening to God, as He speaks in the silence.  Why would He choose to be so quiet, when one whisper from Him can sound like thunder?  God speaks in the silence because He wants us to choose to listen.  I didn't grow up in a church and after high school I was busy doing whatever I wanted to do.  Most of it was bad for me, but I was having fun.  Then one evening, as I was walking, I wondered who I could ask about my life and why I was living.  Then I heard Him say, "Ask Me."  I had to turn around to make sure nobody was behind me, because I thought I must have said that out loud, but nobody was behind me.  I continued to wonder who I could ask and thought about my Kunsi's, my mom, and then I heard His voice again say, "Ask Me."  Instead of looking around me, I looked up.  In that moment of quiet for me, wondering about the meaning of my life, I heard God speak to me.  Since then I've been seeking His voice, His love, His consolation, and His mercy in everything and everyone.  I couldn't do a thing without prayer:  praying through it, praying after, and giving thanks to God for revealing His love and mercy.  Prayer is life.

Within the past few weeks I feel like I have suffered in my prayer life.  I've been having anxiety attacks every day, sometimes twice a day, and I feel like I suddenly became spiritually numb, but I have stuck to faithfully praying the rosary every morning, even though it feels like I'm just repeating words; like the words just fall out of my mouth with no meaning and they don't make sense to me.  My mind goes off somewhere else and the moment I realize what I'm doing, I tell Jesus that I'm sorry.  I know He is with me and He knows how truly sorry I am, but I am disappointed in myself for being so distracted in prayer.  I don't know if what I do should be right or wrong for me.  It's as though my soul and my body are two different beings, and both are thirsting for what is opposite of the other.  I feel no consolation in choosing which thirst to satisfy.  I wonder how this could be, how this happened, and when is it going to end.  I wonder if I'll fully get over this, or will it always be a struggle to satisfy each one separately?  Sometimes I'll get bursts of joy that could float me off my feet, but they don't last long.  As quickly as they come, they leave, and then I have to force myself to continue in that joy.  Even though my body and soul feel like two separate beings, each thirsting for what is opposite of the other, there is always Jesus at the end of every thirst.  If I satisfy the thirst of my body, Jesus has to be the beginning and the end.  If I satisfy the thirst of my soul, Jesus has to be the beginning and the end.  I don't know how this happened and I often reflect on what I could have done to prevent this, but my memory is also in a twist.  One afternoon I could not remember what I did that morning, and it had only been five hours before.  

An anxiety attack is being overwhelmed with fear and terror that something awful is going to happen, or that you're going to lose your mind.  It's thinking that you're going to have a heart attack.  It's trembling and shaking.  It's not being able to sit down.  It's not being able to focus.  It's having a million thoughts in your mind all at once.  There is always one thing that I am sure of - I love Jesus.  In all those millions of thoughts, I find Jesus and I hang onto Him.  In the fear and terror, I think of Jesus hanging on His cross and I know that whatever happens I am always His.  I choose Jesus.  When I can't sit down, then I walk and think of Jesus carrying His cross.  There is another thing that I am absolutely sure of, which has been guiding me in this - receiving Jesus in Holy Communion.  I had an anxiety attack before confession, so I didn't want to go but I knew I had to.  When I walked into the church and knelt to pray, I almost got up and took myself to the hospital because I felt the anxiety rise up again but I held myself there, and even though I had no words to pray I told Jesus, "Looking at You hanging on the cross gives me comfort. I have no words to pray but I give this all to You."  I don't know how this happened to me but I know it is not without the will of God, and thank Him for the friends that have been through this and offer me support and encouragement.  I couldn't handle this without the support from them. 

Please pray for me. Of course, without praying as much as I usually do - I don't feel like myself.

I have a couple anxiety disorders, please pray that I overcome this, for and by God's will - through His love and mercy.

A very comforting quote by Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska, 

   "In spite of everything, Jesus, I trust in You in the face of every interior sentiment which sets itself against hope.  Do what You want with me; I will never leave You, because You are the source of my life."  

 

The Irresistible Force

Every Friday evening my sister-in-Christ and I spend an hour in the Divine Mercy Chapel, adoring, praising, loving, and giving all to Jesus.  Outside the door of the chapel is a bookcase filled with all kinds of faith inspiring books.  One of the saints that has made an obvious impact on my faith is St. Bernadette of Lourdes.  I love her!  A few Fridays ago I was scanning the bookcase for something to read or meditate on, when I saw the book called, 'Bernadette Speaks: A life of Saint Bernadette Soubirous in her own words,' by Rene Laurentin.  I've discovered many things about St. Bernadette that surprised me while reading the book.  When asked how old she was, St. Bernadette didn't know if she was 13 or 14 years old!  What is even more surprising is how much St. Bernadette was ridiculed, mocked, teased, threatened, and even slapped for going to the grotto where the Immaculate Conception had called her to and St. Bernadette promised to go.  St. Bernadette's family, friends, teachers, nuns, police, and even priests doubted her and made horrible threats to St. Bernadette if she continued to go to the grotto; they thought she was making up the whole story of seeing a Lady just for attention.  St. Bernadette and her family were very poor and thought very low of already, so people accused St. Bernadette for making up the story for money and food, but every time somebody had offered St. Bernadette anything like that, she refused.  What is so moving about St. Bernadette is how faithful she was to Our Lady, that nothing had stopped her from going to the grotto.  St. Bernadette was interrogated and interviewed countless times, and to the point of exhaustion but St. Bernadette still always told the truth.  The interrogators and interviewers often mixed up or twisted her words, in which St. Bernadette corrected just as quickly.  I think St. Bernadette describes her "call" to Our Lady at the grotto perfectly when she said, while being interrogated by a prosecutor, "I feel too much happiness when I go."  Then the prosecutor tells her, "Happiness is a bad counselor! You'd do better to listen to the nuns, who told you it was an illusion."  St. Bernadette then responds, "I'm drawn by an irresistible force."  I read that St. Bernadette had woke early in the morning and felt the irresistible force and tried to go back to sleep, but the force was too great that she got up immediately and dressed.  Her parents told her to go back to sleep and she could go to the grotto when it was daylight, but St. Bernadette said she couldn't wait.  So her family dressed as well and went with her while it was still dark out.  St. Bernadette saw Our Lady that morning.  How many times have you been drawn by an irresistible force that gave you so much happiness?

Can you imagine that Our Lady has been with St. Bernadette, and everyone, the whole time?  Our Lady wasn't disappearing into heaven when she wasn't appearing to St. Bernadette, but Our Lady is in our hearts and Our Lady never leaves us.  Our Lady didn't call St. Bernadette to a holy place.  The grotto was actually a place of filth and that is one of the reasons they made fun of St. Bernadette.  Why would a beautiful Lady appear to St. Bernadette in a filthy place?  Our Lady was calling St. Bernadette to make known the irresistible force in doing the will of God.  Our calling to His will has nothing to do with how perfect we are.  St. Bernadette didn't know how to read and St. Bernadette also hadn't made her first Holy Communion when Our Lady began appearing to her.  St. Bernadette and her family were one of the poorest, and St. Bernadette was always sickly.  So, St. Bernadette had nothing to offer Our Lady, except her promise to keep going back to the grotto.  What is also amazing about St. Bernadette is how humble she is.  A man had brought his blind daughter to the grotto, where when St. Bernadette saw the girl she immediately loved her and removed the scarf that covered her eyes and kissed her.  St. Bernadette and the girl laughed and hugged.  The girl gained her vision and was able to see; and when being questioned, St. Bernadette had said that it wasn't she who healed the girl.  St. Bernadette hadn't been to the grotto in weeks but she began visiting a boy that had been sick all his life.  The boy had an illness that prevented him from closing his mouth and made it difficult for him to eat.  When St. Bernadette saw him, she was surprised by how unpleasant the boy looked, but she never made that known to him.  Instead St. Bernadette approached him and talked to him.  The more St. Bernadette talked to him, the more the boy ate.  Soon the boy was eating whole meals throughout the day and they began calling it a miracle.  Again, St. Bernadette was questioned and she simply said, "It wasn't me that caused his healing. I have no power at all to heal anybody."  St. Bernadette was a simple and innocent child that followed the irresistible force of God's will.  St. Bernadette never worried of how she looked or what she owned, but knew only that the irresistible force made her happy.   

Also, we are not called to Him by Our Lady, but we are called by Him through Our Lady, the Blessed Virgin Mary.  I think the most powerful prayer we can pray is, "I entrust all to Mary."  Didn't God do that first when He placed Jesus in her womb through the Holy Spirit?  Do you think that the irresistible force is the Holy Spirit?  Do you think Mary felt the irresistible force as well?  I think so.  I hope and pray that you begin to experience and recognize the irresistible force that calls you to God's will.  What also amazed me about St. Bernadette is that she never seemed surprised by the actions of everyone around her.  When she was given the message by Our Lady, the Immaculate Conception, to tell the priest to build the chapel - that was hard!  It was hard to read because the priest was so mean to St. Bernadette, but after all of that she delivered the message and left so joyfully.  St. Bernadette said, "I delivered the message!"  And she went on her way.  St. Bernadette didn't cry because the priest didn't believe her, she wasn't discouraged, and she didn't complain about how hard it was.

I haven't read 100 pages of this book yet and I absolutely love it.  I love St. Bernadette and Our Lady of Lourdes, Jesus, Holy Spirit, St. Joseph, God, and the list goes on....
I'm praying for you - please pray for me and my family.  Thank you.

Love will take us home (through Mary)

God is simply amazing, even when we are confused in our thoughts and souls.  Even when our thoughts are so polluted that we can't sleep.  Even when we have our backs turned to Him, wondering where He is.  Even when we don't believe that He is a loving and merciful Father.  Our thoughts and beliefs in Him do not change Who He is.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  When we are hopeless, His hope remains.  When we feel unloved, His love is there.  Why we are not receiving from Him is because we are seeking Him in places we want to find Him.  The most profound ways that God as entered my heart and soul have been through the most simple and humble ways.  I never thought that I had to prove my love for Him or that I had to be good enough for Him to answer my prayer.  Always, He gives His love to me and He has answered every prayer, even when it wasn't what I wanted but it was needed.  He provides us with all that we need to become His son and daughter, to become united in His love, and to strengthen our love and faith in His will.

The first way that I had fully grasped, with mind, body, and soul, that I was His daughter had come through when I accepted Mary as my mother.  Mary really does magnify our Lord and His love.  I don't know any other way to Jesus than through Mary.   I know what my life was like without even a thought of Mary and her intercession compared to what my life is like now with Mary as my constant companion - it's two different worlds.  There are times when I actually feel like I don't belong in this world, nothing in this world truly satisfies my heart and soul as Jesus does.  Then I started to feel bad because I thought, 'I shouldn't be so proud to think that I don't fit into this world. God created all that is love, truth, and goodness. I shouldn't overlook any of His creation in this world.'  Recently I have thought, 'I really do not belong in this world.  It is not my home, but heaven is. I just pray to do what He wills in this world, for His glory and love.  It's OK to feel like I don't belong, even Jesus was cast out of homes, towns, and this world.'  I wrote to a friend a while ago and said, "Mary is the ultimate helicopter mom."  She hovers over us every second - caring, loving, with concern for our souls, and before we could even finish a prayer, she is at work with her Son Jesus, bringing our needs to Him.  Through Mary it is a life of miracles, like at the wedding at Cana, when she brought the need to Jesus, and Jesus performed a miracle.  Mary doesn't have control over Jesus or her will isn't greater than His.  Jesus is her will, Jesus is her everything.  Her requests and intercessions never contradict the love and will of Him.

There is no other way to know what love is other than by the sacrifices that were made in order for it to endure.  Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice so that His love endures in our hearts and souls.  Mary shows us our love in Jesus by her "yes" to be His mother.  Her yes has opened an unworthy world to receive a worthy Savior, through Mary.  We are always unworthy because of our sin, but through Mary she helps us wash our soul, to purify our hearts and minds, so that we may look at Jesus with love and not shame.  I know some people think that Jesus will call them when they meet a certain standard and that our Catholic Church has rules to be followed, but the truth is that Jesus loves us simply and humbly.  Jesus calls us every second of the day to know Him.  I just didn't magically fall in love with Jesus and my world changed.  I questioned Him and I was hesitant in following Him.  He never refused a question but always answered.   The more Jesus answered, the more I asked, the more I knew Him, and the more I loved Him.  Through Mary she has showed me that my worth to Jesus exceeds anything in this world, and that is why I choose to wash my soul, purify my heart and soul - because I am a sinful person but I am not defined by my sin, but by His love for me.  There is nothing and nobody in this world that could change His love for me or change my love for Him.  All the "rules" Catholics follow are not to dehumanize who we are, but reveal the love God continues to give us since Jesus walked the earth, and were given to us by Jesus.  I love our Catholic Church because everything I've "followed" has increased my faith, hope, and love in God.  Recently I had been struggling with an issue that I was so embarrassed by that I didn't tell anybody, and continued to try to discern on my own.  I stayed up all night praying about it and at first I was feeling defeated, with a foggy mind and confused thoughts.  I kept praying through the intercession of Mary and by morning I was just determined to go out and face the battle.  I did ask for prayers, which ended up being a miracle.  I'm still in awe of it because I was directed to call a priest who would pray with me over the phone, and the priest has charismatic gifts of discernment of spirits and deliverance.  I wasted no time calling the priest and we prayed for a while, the priest even prayed in tongues, and by the time we were finished my soul was calm and at peace - and my mind was clearing with thoughts of Jesus.  The priest talked to me about fallen spirits and how they retaliate, so always invoke the Precious Blood of Jesus because that is the greatest weapon.  I wasted no time in praying for the protection of the Precious Blood.

Sometimes I overthink the will of God, to the point of feeling like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to and then I start feeling bad about it.  Through Mary, I've learned to trust more in His will than my own.  It's easy to say, "Your will be done, not mine."  It's challenging in living that way, especially in the world that we live in now with all the technology that allows us into the lives of other people, and allows other people into our lives.  The world is a competitive place and Satan loves it.  Do you know what drives your decisions?  Without even realizing it, it could be driven by fear, envy, hate, and lust even when what we do looks like we are charitable.  That's Satan's favorite way to cover his works - to make it enticing.  Through Mary, she has shown me how powerful His love is when it's given and received with pure intentions, not for any benefit of ourselves.  If you really loved somebody, you would sacrifice for them, you want to see them happy, you want them to be healthy, you want what is best for them even if it breaks your heart - that is how God loves us.  God sacrificed His Son so that we may become His daughters and sons, His will was made for us to be fulfilled with true joy, through Jesus we are given the sacraments to keep our mind, heart, and soul healthy.  Mary is our mother to guide us in His will because it is a mother's love that softens and opens our hearts and souls to Him through every adversity we face.  How many times have you said you forgive someone but yet still carry that feeling of betrayal with you, so that when you see the person you don't feel true joy, only a wish that you wouldn't have seen them?  I've felt that way many times!  Through Mary she has taught me to see Jesus in the other person, to pray for their heart, mind, and soul, and to love them even if they don't love me back.  Through Mary we learn to be humble, to be patient, to be still, to accept His love and give it to others, to be pure, to have joy, to pray, to serve, and to love Jesus with all we are and all we have - because the will of our Father calls us to.  Love brought us here and Love will take us home.

Thank you and God bless!

"Only more Love"

This year has been one of the hardest years of my life!  It has been one of the most fulfilling too.  I don't think I would have felt a love so deep from Jesus if I didn't have the events of this year happen.  There's always one thing that I'm sure of and that is 'I love Jesus.'  There's always a question after that, 'How much?'  We should all know that Jesus loves us.  He loves us because He accepted death on a cross for us, Jesus accepted a crown of thorns for us, Jesus accepted being whipped for us, and He accepted that He would lose His life for us - and so He did because He loves us.  The question is, 'Do we accept His love?'  Do we accept what we suffer so that we may rise with Him in eternal life?  I'm trying.  Don't be intimidated by suffering though.  We all suffer but some more than others.  We don't all suffer equally.  We all can't suffer like Jesus because He is the only Savior of the world, the Savior of our souls.  As Jesus is the only one to have suffered so brutally on earth, for love, truth, and mercy, and accepting crucifixion - we are the only ones to suffer what we must when we accept His love.  God didn't create us to suffer but to love.  Saint Mother Teresa said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more Love."  So when I look back on this year, I only see Love.

When my auntie was diagnosed with lung cancer I resigned as director of an Early Learning Childcare Center so that I could take care of her.  My auntie was really sick, so I planned to be with her for a year and more if she needed me to.  The doctors didn't make it sound like she was going to get better any time soon.  They said they wanted to "try" chemotherapy and "try" radiation, and after the first rounds then they would see how she's doing.  It was possible that she may have needed up to three to four rounds each, and after that then maybe her tumor would have shrunk enough for them to operate on it.  Within three months her whole tumor was completely gone and she didn't even have her first round of radiation yet.  One round of chemotherapy was two treatments a day for 15 days.  The doctor said they would still do the radiation, just in case anything may have been missed.  I knew something was going to change with her when, after her second week of treatment of chemotherapy, I walked into her house and she was up cooking, her house was cleaned, and there was a cake on her kitchen table.  I walked in and I was kind of confused at first.  I asked who cleaned, and she said she did.  I asked who baked the cake, and she said she did.  I was amazed.  All I could see was Jesus.  I started laughing and sat down, then I asked her, "You really baked this cake?"  She said, "Yeah. Take a piece. I feel really good. I slept good."  Just the day before I stayed with her until she was in bed because she was really sick.  She was shivering like she had the flu and had to force herself to eat, and the color of her skin was pale.  I went home worried, but after that night my auntie never went back to being sick like that for the rest of her treatments. 

My son was also going through a tough time in school, so I was in a battle about that.  That is also the time that he was diagnosed with autism.  When my auntie had to do her treatments, we stayed a whole week away from home, and then we went home on weekends.  It was hard separating from my son like that, but I had to for my auntie.  I called him every day after school and every night before bed.  I knew he would be well taken care of by my parents, they spoil him like crazy, but I worried about how the change would affect him.  He had doctor appointments as well and since there isn't anything in our area for autism, or braces, we had to travel a couple hours away just to see doctors.  So some days I would be on the road for up to five or six hours and a couple times I had to ask my sister to come and get my son, because I was too tired to drive any more.  During that time my son was diagnosed with autism, I had to fight for his accommodations in school because for some reason the special education director and our case manager at his school didn't believe that he had autism, even though he was diagnosed by the psychologist and psychiatrist, and he had to see an orthodontist because he needed braces.  I had to call an advocate, write letters, and enforce our rights in his school. 

During the week that my auntie was declared cancer free, my mom was diagnosed with cirrhosis.  My mom was throwing up blood and I had never seen that in my life - and it was so much!  She had to be flown to a hospital, a couple hours away, and within a couple days she needed five pints of blood.  I was at the edge of every feeling.  I wasn't sure how to feel!  I was numb by my mom's sickness.  How could that happen to my mom?  I only heard about people getting cirrhosis because they drink too much and my mom doesn't drink.  The doctor said it was caused from a combination of her diabetes and medication, especially ibuprofen.  The doctor did tests on her and said that her liver is badly damaged.  My mom had to travel every other week, back to the hospital, to get a scope procedure done because she was still bleeding.  During the scope procedure they would place bands in her stomach to stop the bleeding and she needed up to almost thirty bands, altogether.  The doctor said her liver is badly damaged but it is functioning as normal as one could!  I said that's awesome.  

When I look back on this year, there is only more Love.  Jesus was present the whole time, but even in His closeness I have been struggling.  A priest told me that the closer we are to Jesus, the more we see how we offend Him, and not to feel bad about going to confession up to three times a week - St. Paul went every day.  What would I have done if not for priests, family, and friends?  A support system is needed and having praying friends is the most important.  Praying is important because we are lifting each other up, asking for our needs to be met, and even when we think we know what we should pray for - Mary takes it to Jesus with purity and humility.  Every day I'm saying, "This is Yours Jesus."  Jesus is amazing.  On February 27th of this year, my dad was baptized, confirmed, and received Holy Communion in the Catholic Church.  On the same day, my parents had their marriage blessed, and my mom received Holy Communion after 30 plus years.  In the midst of my auntie's, mom's, and son's diagnosis, I still enrolled in school and managed to complete two semesters this year and I also became a Certified Nurses Assistant.  School was even hard!  I did get behind in my homework but I wasn't purposely blowing off my homework to watch TV.  I chose to make rosaries.  I said, "Jesus, if I fail my school work, these rosaries would be worth it. Right now I feel like I should be making rosaries and not my homework. I trust in You that I am doing Your will."  We also moved into an apartment in the midst of this year and somehow I managed without a job for a few months.  That was the number one question I have been asked, "How are you surviving?"  It's not putting all our trust in Jesus and then sitting back while He acts on it.  It's putting our trust in Jesus, having faith, never losing hope, always praying, trusting His Divine Providence, having Mary, and then making choices.  Jesus is never absent from a choice.  Jesus is always a choice.  Jesus didn't come to us floating on a cloud, wearing a crown of gold, and surrounded by angels.  Instead He came as a baby, born of the Virgin Mary.  Jesus is always the choice of humility and He has always provided enough.  This year can be said in one statement: Accept His love in everything, never stop praying, and always be thankful - not that it could be worse or that you received more than you thought, but thankful for the choices that brought you closer to Jesus.


Thank you and God bless you.
Thank you to the priests that support and guide me.
Thank you to my friends, for always praying, encouraging, and supporting.
Thank you to every one that has prayed for me and my family.
Thank you to those that I've made rosaries for - I am incredibly thankful to share with you in our Mother's love for Jesus.
Thank you to everyone that I've talked to this year - I have been gifted by your words.

Please continue prayers for my auntie, mom, and son in their continued health - spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
Please pray for our priests!  We would be lost without them.
Pray for everyone struggling to have a relationship with Mary.

I'm praying for you every day.  "In you I see Jesus."

Annunciation/Christmas Reflection

A reflection from a brother in Christ that I wanted to share with you.  

 The serpent had tricked Eve into eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, which 

became the fall of Adam and Eve, when God gave His judgment upon them for sinfully disobeying 

and eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Suffering and death, pain in childbirth, hard 

toil in labor, and all that bad stuff.  The Lord God banned it from all of the other animals and from 

all the wild creatures. On its belly the serpent would crawl and dirt it would eat all the days of its 

life. God put enmity between the serpent and the woman, between his offspring and hers.  It would 

strike at her heel but she would crush it's head!!  This is 

called the proto-Gospel: the promise of the woman and her seed who would crush the serpent's 

head. Now the woman in the proto-Gospel God was speaking of wasn't Eve, who had just been 

defeated by the serpent by listening to it and sinfully disobeying God, but God was speaking of a 

woman in the future who would be free of the serpents venom (sin) and full of grace (God's life and 

Spirit).  God is sincere with the sincere but with the cunning He out does in cunning.  In His infinite 

wisdom God fore-planned the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mother and of His Son 

made man in the future (the fullness of time).  Because He is in eternity He is not bound by space 

and time and all things are possible with Him.  He was going to reach into the future to the 

accomplishment of His Son's Paschal mystery (crucifixion, death and resurrection) for our salvation 

and redemption and apply that grace to Mary's Immaculate soul as a little embryo in   

St. Ann's womb.  Mary's name means "full of grace" so that she could be the sinless Virgin Mother 

of His Son.  This is called her Immaculate Conception: her being conceived without sin.  As a result 

of this she was able to be full of grace (God's life), and the fruit of this is that her will would be 

God's will perfectly.  Even the humble supreme obedience unto death He would ask of His Son 

made man, in reparation for Adam and Eves sinful disobedience they were to suffer the

consequences of sin (suffering and death) without having committed it (sin).

 This is how Mary could crush the serpent's 

head: her shared humble obedience unto death with her Son Jesus.

Love is Eternal

When my son is sick it just kills me.  Every time he gets sick I pray that I can suffer for his illness.  When my son was a baby he almost died from dehydration.  He would vomit up his formula and the doctors at our clinic couldn't figure it out, and they kept switching his formula.  Finally, after being admitted to the hospital, a doctor did figure out that he had acid reflux and treated him for it.  The amazing thing about his illness is that he was always just a happy baby.  He had lost weight and his skin was pale, but when he sat on my lap singing and dancing with me, he had a smile that melted hearts - his giant smile.  He was just a baby so of course he didn't know that he could feel better and that he could eat without getting sick.  That illness was life for him.  When he finally came home with his medication and rice bottle, formula mixed with rice, he really blew up.  His baby rolls grew bigger and bigger.  By the time he was one year old, he was a chunky boy.  The amazing thing was still the same amazing thing: he was just a happy baby, but this time he knew the feeling of being better, of eating without vomiting up his formula, and he knew the feeling of being full.  He knew then that the illness could be treated, and most of all he knew love because we did all that we could so he could get better. 

Jesus knows us as sick people.  Our sickness is life for us and sometimes we don't know that we could be better, feel better, and that our sickness can be treated.  We don't know or we forget that Jesus is our Healer and that He heals hearts and souls.  Jesus came and was crucified for our sickness.  Sometimes we become so consumed by our sickness that we think it's untreatable.  We try to hide our sickness because we're embarrassed by it.  I didn't know that I was suffering from a sickness until it consumed me.  For the past two years I was obsessed with a person and I was embarrassed by it.  I avoided all contact with this person, hoping that it wouldn't get any worse.  The obsession consumed every thought and I was in denial about it and tried to ignore it, but it progressed every day.  I finally broke down because I couldn't take it anymore.  There was no thought or dream that this person wasn't in and some days I couldn't focus on anything except this person.  When I realized what was going on I was embarrassed and scared.  Through some comfort, guidance, and advice from my sister in Christ, I brought it to Jesus in confession.  Did you know that Jesus is also an instant healer?  He doesn't say, "Alright. Say two prayers and give it a couple days, see how you feel, and if it persists then come back."  His healing is instant and like the blind beggar, as well as others, we have to bring our needs to Jesus to be healed.  When I was in confession, my voice was shaking as I told Jesus that I was actually obsessed with a person for two years, possibly longer.  I had no clue what He was going to tell me, but I knew I was ready to let it go.  As always He was very gentle and His message brought light to it all and He revealed how intimately He loves me.  His love for us doesn't change based on whether or not we know that we are sick - there is nothing in this world that changes His love for us but through confession we empty ourselves of our own selfish desires and receive Him as pure as we can.  I didn't know that my soul could be full in Him, that my soul could feel better, and that my sickness could be treated through Him because I was so blinded by my embarrassment that I kept it to myself for a long time.  Jesus doesn't want us to keep something that weighs us down, that makes us feel unworthy, and that keeps us from receiving His love and mercy.  After confession I felt like I was free from a cage and I didn't even know that I was in one, because I didn't realize how I had been living.  I messaged my sister in Christ and said, "What was I thinking?!"  

Jesus said, "Those who are healthy do not need a physician, but the sick do.  I have not come to call the righteous to repentance but sinners." (Luke 5:31-32)  Sometimes I forget that Jesus doesn't call us because we're perfect, but because we are in need of a Physician.  Do you know that Jesus knows your sickness and already has a Divine Plan in place to help you heal?  If you don't know, if you're unsure, or if you're embarrassed, I say, "Ask Him."  Jesus said, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 7:7-9)  Jesus knows your sickness and how it controls you, how far it pulls you from everyone, and how it is being used to make you think that you deserve nothing better and that you aren't worth something more, so He prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)  Then He carried the cross because He loves you.  Jesus loves and cares for us more than we love our own children, and He was crucified for us to be healed though Him.   The sickness we are currently dealing with can be treated, we can feel better, and we can know the fullness of life all through Jesus, and of course the Blessed Virgin Mary and St. Joseph lead the way in purifying our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls in receiving Jesus, as Mary was when receiving Him in her womb.  The amazing thing about our sickness is that it's temporary and His love is eternal.  Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that there is still heaven.  We have to remember that the trials we are facing and the sickness that we are carrying are not worth stopping for; Jesus didn't stop when He received the cross.  He prayed that it was the Father's will and He just kept going.  Don't be afraid to confess, to approach Jesus with everything that is keeping us from receiving His love and mercy.  I often tell Him, "What I am giving is so ugly, but I can't be afraid to give You all of me - without You there is nothing.  To You through Mary."



** Please pray for everyone feeling hopeless and confused about what they are currently facing in life.
Please pray for Fr. Pfeifer and all the pilgrims on their way to the Holy Land.  Pray for safety and an encounter with Jesus for an intimate depth of His love to be revealed in their relationship with Him.
Pray for the Father's will in all things and in our relationships with everyone.
Pray for purity of mind, body, heart, and soul.  Pray for strength in remaining pure in those as well.
Pray for sick babies and families - for love, hope, encouragement, and support of all those involved.
Pray for everyone battling an addiction, pray for their families.

Thank you! God bless :)

Faith

Have you ever watched the movie 50 First Dates?  It's about this man that spends every day making a woman fall in love with him, because she suffers from short term memory loss caused by a car crash, so every night when she sleeps she loses the memory from the day before so she doesn't remember him when she wakes up.  The other day while I was at work I thought of that movie!  I'm a Certified Nurses Assistant working in an assisted living facility for elderly people, and every day that I work I have to re-introduce myself to a few residents who have no memory of me, even though I've been working with them for the past few weeks.  I don't spend the day trying to make them fall in love with me, but just let them know that I'm there for them and they are my number one priority while I'm with them.  I've been working with a ninety-six year old woman and every time I walk into her room she asks, "Who are you?"  I say, "I'm Norma."  Then she asks, "Norma who?"  I say, "Norma Robertson."  She has the kindest soul I've ever met and she is very sweet.  When ever I'm taking care of her, she will tell me, "Oh you make such a fuss about everything. You don't need to do this."  I say, "It's not a fuss and I don't mind at all."  Then at bedtime she will say sometimes, "I can't sleep because I'm afraid people might forget about me."  I tell her, "That's impossible.  Every body loves you too much!"  Then she says, "You're so sweet."  I tell her, "You're the sweet one."  I walk into work with nothing but the will to serve God and I walk out of work with sore feet, tired and exhausted but with a soul overflowing with love.

The will to serve is all I have and His will is all there will ever be.  His will bears so much fruit.  You have to realize that doing His will doesn't take anything away from what you want but opens your soul to everything that you didn't know you could have.  God's will is overflowing with love and peace.  Praying to do God's will is not like working a job, but it's your life with God as He loves you.  Praying to do His will is so much more than we could ever realize because we are asking to be united to Him in all things, with Him in all things, in Him in all things, and through Him in all things.  Your eyes are opened to love in so many ways.  Love conquers all, forgives all, and bears all things.  God is love!  I never desired to have any children of my own but yet I love children and have worked with Preschool children for more than ten years.  I never desired to marry, but yet I could cry when I hear of two people getting married because I love marriage so much - it's the most intimate relationship you could ever have with anybody on earth, a covenant to serve God in each other and together in everything.  There was always something that told me I would never marry or have children, even as a young girl when I played Barbies with my sister.  She hated playing Barbies with me but sometimes she had no choice because I would be the only one there.  While her Barbies were married with kids, my Barbies were at work or either jumping off the balcony into the convertible below and then driving off fast around the house, eventually crashing into something.  Then my sister would be sitting there just mad at me and I would be laughing uncontrollably.  She always ended up mad at me but that never stopped her from asking me to play the next time.

Don't spend time trying to figure out the what, why, and how God is working in your life, or what will happen in the end, because you'll just end up with more worries and fears than you had before (I know I do!).  Have faith that you are taken care of - because you are!  I don't know why I have never desired to have children or marry, or why I would work as a CNA - but I just say to God, "Your will be done!"  Especially in the dark and lonely times when you can't see the end of the tunnel, have faith that it is there, and pray to continue to do His will. 

Rooted in Love

There's always one thing that Jesus tells me before telling me anything else, "I love you."  Jesus didn't say, "Alright. These are the conditions in which you must meet before I love you."  And then name off a list of conditions.  There is no doubt in this world, or in the next, that Jesus loves you.  He chose the cross for you.  Jesus loved you before creation and there is no sin that can turn Him away from you.  But you should also know that His love is shaped like a cross, and Jesus says that if anyone wishes to come after Him, they must deny themselves, take up their cross and follow Him.  Following Jesus is a transformation and purification of heart and soul.  I was filled with doubt when I began to follow Jesus and I always thought there was going to be something that would take me away from Him, but the more I gave myself to Him - mind, body, and soul - there was nothing that compared to His love for me.  Jesus revealed His love for me first, before anything else.  Every intimate and personal encounter that I have with Jesus is overwhelmed with love.  His love overcomes everything.
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that he may grant you in accord with the riches of his glory to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in the inner self, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the holy ones what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."  Ephesians 3:14-19  
The more that Jesus revealed His love for me, the more that I wanted to love Him in return.  The more Jesus told me, "I know you."  The more that I wanted to know Him too.  The more that Jesus said, "I came to serve."  The more that I wanted to serve Him.  His love never brought a fireworks display or roses, but was a cross that held His beaten body.  His love came by drops of blood that very intimately healed hurts in my heart and soul.  The more that Jesus heals me, the more I deny myself in confession, take up my cross and follow Him.  Jesus doesn't require us to be perfect to carry our cross.  Jesus fell three times carrying His cross, and I fall all the time, but His mother Mary is with us.  Mary is our constant star that lights our path to her Son.  Mary is the one that says, "Don't give up."  Even though what we are facing seems to the edge of unbearable, Mary says, "I'm here with you.  Keep going.  It is the will of the Father.  I'm praying for you and He hears you."  The more that I listen, the more I hear Jesus say, "I love you."  Jesus loves you whether or not you know that you need to confess, but the more we choose to love Him back, the more we choose to be healed in confession.  His love and mercy endure forever!




Oh! And thank you to my brother in Christ for asking me to go to adoration, an answer to my prayer - Jesus!

Please visit Handmaids of the Heart of Jesus to learn about the new novices in the community of Sisters.  I send prayer requests to Sr. Mary Angela of the Holy Face of Jesus.  Please pray for the community of Sisters!

Please visit MybrotherJesus for inspiring homilies by Fr. Pfiefer.  Do you know when a person, a word, an action is filled with the Holy Spirit?  When it opens your soul, you see the worth of yourself as in the eyes of Jesus, and you desire nothing but to love Jesus in all you do, everywhere you go, and in all the people that you meet.  That's Fr. Pfiefer!  Please pray for our pope and priests!

Please pray for families - for healing, strength, faith, courage, love and hope and forgiveness.   

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

Jesus never fails

I hope you know that it is love that draws us to Jesus.  It is love that we seek in Him, through Him, and with Him.  A relationship with Jesus is almost like a relationship with anybody in this world, except Jesus will never hurt us or leave us; and His love only gets stronger, but we do have to talk to Him and trust Him.  We are never scared into loving Jesus.  We are never scared into heaven.  It's true that there is an end because we all die one day but how we live is our choice.  If our choice is to ignore God and live without His commandments, He would still not scare us into heaven.  God would not say to you, "Oh, you are such a fool! Why don't you recognize ME!  You should know that the choice you just made will take you to hell!"  Instead God is saying, "You've searched all this time for answers, ask ME. You have guilt so built up in your soul that it's become a burden, give it to Me.  You've sunk so low in your life that you think I am unable to reach you, take My hand as I come down to you.  You think it's too late for me to love and forgive you, but My Love and Mercy endure forever! You think that I Am no help in your life, when I created heaven and earth." We are called by Love!

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

God is love!  So don't be scared to talk to Jesus because He's been talking to you throughout your whole life!  He is all those little whispers of goodness and love.  He is the one that says, 'That isn't worth your love.'  Even if you choose wrong in spite of hearing Him, He will never turn away.  Jesus knows how broken and weak we are, so the closer He is.  If you ever think Jesus is taking something away from you, it's only because He will give you something of infinite value!  The moment that I had felt fear in a relationship, I left because we should not be afraid in a relationship.  God had given me the gift of love such a long time ago but I just didn't recognize it as Him because I had everything else stacked before Him.  Still He didn't take His love away from me, but His love became stronger as I began to seek Him.  If you want to know what love is, ask the One that died on the cross for you.  Jesus was not scared onto the cross, but chose the cross, because He loves us.  Jesus will never fail you!   

Matthew 9:12-13
He heard this and said, "Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do.  Go and learn the meaning of the words, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' I did not come to call the righteous but sinners."

Thank you and God bless!! 

I'm praying for you through the intercession of our Blessed Mother ever day!

Made for Heaven

I had no idea what I was getting into when I walked into the Catholic Church.  Since living my Catholic faith, I've been mocked, talked about, and I've faced people that can state every way the church doesn't work for them, in a matter of seconds, and with hate!  The more I learn about and live my faith, the more my life has been fulfilled, even through all the negativity of other people.  The negativity of other people has only pushed me to learn more about what I'm living, and why I'm living that.  It's not like I joined a cult and practice magic.  First, I walked into the church because I encountered the Lord during an evening walk.  I thought I was talking to myself, and I asked, "What is the point of my life? Who do I ask these questions?"  Then I began to think of who would be best to ask, then I heard God say, "Ask Me."  My grandma had the most beautiful, loving, caring and passionate soul I've ever met and she was catholic, and I love her still very much.  Since then, I've never been afraid to ask Him about anything, because He has always answered.  His answer to my first question didn't come right away, but a couple years later.  What God had revealed to me first was meaning.  After responding to His call, I began to seek the meaning in everything and ask why was it all meaningful?  I desired to know who God was and why I was meaningful to Him.  Then came the power of the Holy Spirit and, through the Holy Spirit, we are formed to know who we truly are, as a child of God.  Through this process, God revealed to me what freedom really is. Also in this process, are trials and challenge that almost break us physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but through perseverance, we are filled with joy more than we could ever imagine, or thought we deserved.

When I first began to seek the meaning in everything, I started with myself.  What did I do, and who was I, that was meaningful?  What did my family and friends mean?  What kind of person was I?  God began with my conscience.  I always did what ever I wanted, because I could.  I never married or had children.  It was difficult to see how selfish I was and I was embarrassed by everything I did, but I confessed.  I'm always amazed when I go to confession.  Even now, if I'm in a parish that I would only be at for the weekend, or just had to stop in for confession, because it doesn't matter who the priest is, in the confessional Jesus Christ speaks through him; and He talks to me like He has followed me through out my whole life, because He has.  It's amazing! Not only because of that, but because I'm asking to be forgiven, I am acknowledging that I want to continue my relationship with God by ridding my conscience of the sins that are weighing on me, and I want to be healed so I can move forward.  When God had revealed meaning to me in everything, I began to withdraw from what didn't have meaning.  It was very challenging, because that was certain relationships with people, every thing that gave me pleasure, and then I had to control the emotions that came from all that.  Prayer became meaningful during that time.  But as I was growing in my relationship with God, I began to feel the force of the one that is the opposite of God.  It was tempting to go back to do my bad habits, and a few times I have.  I thought, 'It's not that bad. It's been a while anyways.'  Or, 'I heard this is good for your health.'  I have come to know the love and mercy of God through confession.  Sometimes, I wasn't withdrawing from something because it didn't mean anything, but because God had to show me the true meaning in it.  Why would God choose to do all this for me?  That is because I am His.  God, the creator of heaven and earth, is Whom I belong to.  God revealed my identity to me as His daughter, that I'm worth dying for, and that everything is possible with Him.  God is love!  

My favorite bible verse is from the gospel of Luke in chapter one, verses 41-43:  When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the infant leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth, filled with the holy Spirit, cried out in a loud voice and said, "Most blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb.  And how does this happen to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?
It was through the Holy Spirit and that is the same Holy Spirit that moves us to go forth into God's will.  The Blessed Virgin Mary is our spiritual mother and our model for stepping into God's will.  The Holy Spirit is love, joy, peace, and courage that leads us in God's will.  We were made for heaven, so that is the way our path goes, and in the bible it says we enter through the narrow gate.  I really struggle with knowing what God needs me to do.  I didn't have the confidence to go where I have never been, or seek others that I do not know.  I am so thankful for my new brothers and sisters in Christ that I have met on my journey; for their love, passion, and zeal in making known the love of God to me.  I have been given books and prayers that have helped me discern through the many trials and challenges, and helped me keep my eyes on Jesus Christ.  I have encountered the Holy Spirit in a new way, through Life in the Spirit Seminars.  The Holy Spirit was incredibly powerful during the last seminar that I've been to, and He has given me new depth to prayer and discernment.
We face our fears and fantasies in discernment, but as we follow Jesus Christ, through the love of the Holy Spirit, the will of God supersedes.  Discernment is challenging.  We're not going to hear finger snaps and then be exactly where we're meant to be.  Instead we trudge and crawl through the trenches.  Jesus said that He is the way, the truth, and the life.  If you want to follow Jesus, read the gospels, and ask the Holy Spirit to lead you.  We are spirits in a body, and our bodies tire and grow old, but our spirits never fray or get tired of serving our Lord. 

My happiness and joy doesn't come from anything on this earth, unless it's bound for heaven.  I see heaven when I look at my family and friends.  I see heaven when I look at my neighbors.  I see heaven in all the children and families I meet.  I see heaven in every one who has given me a hard time.  I see heaven in all the trials and challenges, because heaven is worth it all.  Jesus Christ calls everyone to follow Him.  While on the cross, Jesus didn't say, "You guys stand on this side and you guys stand on that side. Who ever is on this side is who I am dying for."  Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do."  It is we who have divided ourselves.  I was listening to a video by Father Robert Barron, and he said to try and keep track of how many times you assume, in a day.  Within the hour, I was thinking, 'Oh man. I assume a lot. What do I do now that I know I assume so much?'  From then, I became more aware of the assumptions that I made and would quickly turn my thoughts to prayer; and that has helped me realize how I can constrict myself instead of being open to the Holy Spirit.

Joy and freedom is knowing your purpose.  What is my purpose?  Well a couple years after I asked God that question, it was finally revealed to me: my purpose is to be His daughter.  I am His and He loves me; to know, love, and serve Him.  It's a battle defending who you are, especially being Catholic.  I've been talked down on because of priests that I've never met in my life and I've heard harsh words against the priests that I do know and love.  I've been called a Jesus freak, "the one who is all about God," and I act holy.  It was my own brother who called me a Jesus freak, and I was going to get mad and holler at him, until I actually realized what he called me.  Then I said, "Hmm... I don't mind that at all."  Freedom is knowing our identity as a child of God and with the Holy Spirit we will persevere through the trials and challenges joyfully because we were made for heaven.  I love better, serve better, I've become a better person for my family, and I learn humility through all the negativity.  No person on earth can change that.  We weren't made to dwell on assumptions, to put people down, blame others, or fear what people might think of us if we proclaim our identity as a child of God.  There is only one kind of fear we should practice, and that is fear of the Lord, it is the beginning of wisdom.  The love and fulfillment that God has given to me came through all the beautiful traditions in the Catholic Church and the more I understood the traditions the more I was able to follow Jesus Christ, and listen for the Holy Spirit in doing God's will.  Knowing my identity helped me accept everything as coming from God.  That it all brings me closer to Him, and offering it to Him is acknowledging that I know I was made for heaven, even though I don't feel like it some days.  The stress, upsets, and anger lead me to pray more to Him.  The love, joy, and thankfulness I'm gifted with leads me to share it with others, and not because I have to or that's what I should do (even though those are important reasons), but because I just can't contain it all.  God gives so good, generously, and with so much love that it really does feel like it's pouring out of my soul.