I had no idea what I was getting into when I walked into the Catholic Church. Since living my Catholic faith, I've been mocked, talked about, and I've faced people that can state every way the church doesn't work for them, in a matter of seconds, and with hate! The more I learn about and live my faith, the more my life has been fulfilled, even through all the negativity of other people. The negativity of other people has only pushed me to learn more about what I'm living, and why I'm living that. It's not like I joined a cult and practice magic. First, I walked into the church because I encountered the Lord during an evening walk. I thought I was talking to myself, and I asked, "What is the point of my life? Who do I ask these questions?" Then I began to think of who would be best to ask, then I heard God say, "Ask Me." My grandma had the most beautiful, loving, caring and passionate soul I've ever met and she was catholic, and I love her still very much. Since then, I've never been afraid to ask Him about anything, because He has always answered. His answer to my first question didn't come right away, but a couple years later. What God had revealed to me first was meaning. After responding to His call, I began to seek the meaning in everything and ask why was it all meaningful? I desired to know who God was and why I was meaningful to Him. Then came the power of the Holy Spirit and, through the Holy Spirit, we are formed to know who we truly are, as a child of God. Through this process, God revealed to me what freedom really is. Also in this process, are trials and challenge that almost break us physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but through perseverance, we are filled with joy more than we could ever imagine, or thought we deserved.
When I first began to seek the meaning in everything, I started with myself. What did I do, and who was I, that was meaningful? What did my family and friends mean? What kind of person was I? God began with my conscience. I always did what ever I wanted, because I could. I never married or had children. It was difficult to see how selfish I was and I was embarrassed by everything I did, but I confessed. I'm always amazed when I go to confession. Even now, if I'm in a parish that I would only be at for the weekend, or just had to stop in for confession, because it doesn't matter who the priest is, in the confessional Jesus Christ speaks through him; and He talks to me like He has followed me through out my whole life, because He has. It's amazing! Not only because of that, but because I'm asking to be forgiven, I am acknowledging that I want to continue my relationship with God by ridding my conscience of the sins that are weighing on me, and I want to be healed so I can move forward. When God had revealed meaning to me in everything, I began to withdraw from what didn't have meaning. It was very challenging, because that was certain relationships with people, every thing that gave me pleasure, and then I had to control the emotions that came from all that. Prayer became meaningful during that time. But as I was growing in my relationship with God, I began to feel the force of the one that is the opposite of God. It was tempting to go back to do my bad habits, and a few times I have. I thought, 'It's not that bad. It's been a while anyways.' Or, 'I heard this is good for your health.' I have come to know the love and mercy of God through confession. Sometimes, I wasn't withdrawing from something because it didn't mean anything, but because God had to show me the true meaning in it. Why would God choose to do all this for me? That is because I am His. God, the creator of heaven and earth, is Whom I belong to. God revealed my identity to me as His daughter, that I'm worth dying for, and that everything is possible with Him. God is love!
My favorite bible verse is from the gospel of Luke in chapter one, verses 41-43: When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the infant leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth, filled with the holy Spirit, cried out in a loud voice and said, "Most blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb. And how does this happen to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?
It was through the Holy Spirit and that is the same Holy Spirit that moves us to go forth into God's will. The Blessed Virgin Mary is our spiritual mother and our model for stepping into God's will. The Holy Spirit is love, joy, peace, and courage that leads us in God's will. We were made for heaven, so that is the way our path goes, and in the bible it says we enter through the narrow gate. I really struggle with knowing what God needs me to do. I didn't have the confidence to go where I have never been, or seek others that I do not know. I am so thankful for my new brothers and sisters in Christ that I have met on my journey; for their love, passion, and zeal in making known the love of God to me. I have been given books and prayers that have helped me discern through the many trials and challenges, and helped me keep my eyes on Jesus Christ. I have encountered the Holy Spirit in a new way, through Life in the Spirit Seminars. The Holy Spirit was incredibly powerful during the last seminar that I've been to, and He has given me new depth to prayer and discernment.
We face our fears and fantasies in discernment, but as we follow Jesus Christ, through the love of the Holy Spirit, the will of God supersedes. Discernment is challenging. We're not going to hear finger snaps and then be exactly where we're meant to be. Instead we trudge and crawl through the trenches. Jesus said that He is the way, the truth, and the life. If you want to follow Jesus, read the gospels, and ask the Holy Spirit to lead you. We are spirits in a body, and our bodies tire and grow old, but our spirits never fray or get tired of serving our Lord.
My happiness and joy doesn't come from anything on this earth, unless it's bound for heaven. I see heaven when I look at my family and friends. I see heaven when I look at my neighbors. I see heaven in all the children and families I meet. I see heaven in every one who has given me a hard time. I see heaven in all the trials and challenges, because heaven is worth it all. Jesus Christ calls everyone to follow Him. While on the cross, Jesus didn't say, "You guys stand on this side and you guys stand on that side. Who ever is on this side is who I am dying for." Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." It is we who have divided ourselves. I was listening to a video by Father Robert Barron, and he said to try and keep track of how many times you assume, in a day. Within the hour, I was thinking, 'Oh man. I assume a lot. What do I do now that I know I assume so much?' From then, I became more aware of the assumptions that I made and would quickly turn my thoughts to prayer; and that has helped me realize how I can constrict myself instead of being open to the Holy Spirit.
Joy and freedom is knowing your purpose. What is my
purpose? Well a couple years after I asked God that question, it was
finally revealed to me: my purpose is to be His daughter. I am His and
He loves me; to know, love, and serve Him. It's a battle defending who you are, especially being Catholic. I've been talked down on because of priests that I've never met in my life and I've heard harsh words against the priests that I do know and love. I've been
called a Jesus freak, "the one who is all about God," and I act holy.
It was my own brother who called me a Jesus freak, and I was going to
get mad and holler at him, until I actually realized what he called me.
Then I said, "Hmm... I don't mind that at all." Freedom is knowing our identity as a child of God and with the Holy Spirit we will persevere through the trials and challenges joyfully because we were made for heaven. I love better, serve better, I've become a better person for my family, and I learn humility through all the negativity. No person on earth can change that. We weren't made to dwell on assumptions, to put people down, blame others, or fear what people might think of us if we proclaim our identity as a child of God. There is only one kind of fear we should practice, and that is fear of the Lord, it is the beginning of wisdom. The love and fulfillment that God has given to me came through all the beautiful traditions in the Catholic Church and the more I understood the traditions the more I was able to follow Jesus Christ, and listen for the Holy Spirit in doing God's will. Knowing my identity helped me accept everything as coming from God. That it all brings me closer to Him, and offering it to Him is acknowledging that I know I was made for heaven, even though I don't feel like it some days. The stress, upsets, and anger lead me to pray more to Him. The love, joy, and thankfulness I'm gifted with leads me to share it with others, and not because I have to or that's what I should do (even though those are important reasons), but because I just can't contain it all. God gives so good, generously, and with so much love that it really does feel like it's pouring out of my soul.
