Praying

I love praying and I love having the freedom to pray.  Prayer doesn't cost a thing.  Prayer is intimate.  St. Therese of Lisieux says it best, "For me, prayer is a surge of the heart; it is a simple look turned toward heaven, it is a cry of recognition and of love, embracing both trial and joy."  Prayer is also listening to God, as He speaks in the silence.  Why would He choose to be so quiet, when one whisper from Him can sound like thunder?  God speaks in the silence because He wants us to choose to listen.  I didn't grow up in a church and after high school I was busy doing whatever I wanted to do.  Most of it was bad for me, but I was having fun.  Then one evening, as I was walking, I wondered who I could ask about my life and why I was living.  Then I heard Him say, "Ask Me."  I had to turn around to make sure nobody was behind me, because I thought I must have said that out loud, but nobody was behind me.  I continued to wonder who I could ask and thought about my Kunsi's, my mom, and then I heard His voice again say, "Ask Me."  Instead of looking around me, I looked up.  In that moment of quiet for me, wondering about the meaning of my life, I heard God speak to me.  Since then I've been seeking His voice, His love, His consolation, and His mercy in everything and everyone.  I couldn't do a thing without prayer:  praying through it, praying after, and giving thanks to God for revealing His love and mercy.  Prayer is life.

Within the past few weeks I feel like I have suffered in my prayer life.  I've been having anxiety attacks every day, sometimes twice a day, and I feel like I suddenly became spiritually numb, but I have stuck to faithfully praying the rosary every morning, even though it feels like I'm just repeating words; like the words just fall out of my mouth with no meaning and they don't make sense to me.  My mind goes off somewhere else and the moment I realize what I'm doing, I tell Jesus that I'm sorry.  I know He is with me and He knows how truly sorry I am, but I am disappointed in myself for being so distracted in prayer.  I don't know if what I do should be right or wrong for me.  It's as though my soul and my body are two different beings, and both are thirsting for what is opposite of the other.  I feel no consolation in choosing which thirst to satisfy.  I wonder how this could be, how this happened, and when is it going to end.  I wonder if I'll fully get over this, or will it always be a struggle to satisfy each one separately?  Sometimes I'll get bursts of joy that could float me off my feet, but they don't last long.  As quickly as they come, they leave, and then I have to force myself to continue in that joy.  Even though my body and soul feel like two separate beings, each thirsting for what is opposite of the other, there is always Jesus at the end of every thirst.  If I satisfy the thirst of my body, Jesus has to be the beginning and the end.  If I satisfy the thirst of my soul, Jesus has to be the beginning and the end.  I don't know how this happened and I often reflect on what I could have done to prevent this, but my memory is also in a twist.  One afternoon I could not remember what I did that morning, and it had only been five hours before.  

An anxiety attack is being overwhelmed with fear and terror that something awful is going to happen, or that you're going to lose your mind.  It's thinking that you're going to have a heart attack.  It's trembling and shaking.  It's not being able to sit down.  It's not being able to focus.  It's having a million thoughts in your mind all at once.  There is always one thing that I am sure of - I love Jesus.  In all those millions of thoughts, I find Jesus and I hang onto Him.  In the fear and terror, I think of Jesus hanging on His cross and I know that whatever happens I am always His.  I choose Jesus.  When I can't sit down, then I walk and think of Jesus carrying His cross.  There is another thing that I am absolutely sure of, which has been guiding me in this - receiving Jesus in Holy Communion.  I had an anxiety attack before confession, so I didn't want to go but I knew I had to.  When I walked into the church and knelt to pray, I almost got up and took myself to the hospital because I felt the anxiety rise up again but I held myself there, and even though I had no words to pray I told Jesus, "Looking at You hanging on the cross gives me comfort. I have no words to pray but I give this all to You."  I don't know how this happened to me but I know it is not without the will of God, and thank Him for the friends that have been through this and offer me support and encouragement.  I couldn't handle this without the support from them. 

Please pray for me. Of course, without praying as much as I usually do - I don't feel like myself.

I have a couple anxiety disorders, please pray that I overcome this, for and by God's will - through His love and mercy.

A very comforting quote by Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska, 

   "In spite of everything, Jesus, I trust in You in the face of every interior sentiment which sets itself against hope.  Do what You want with me; I will never leave You, because You are the source of my life."  

 

The Irresistible Force

Every Friday evening my sister-in-Christ and I spend an hour in the Divine Mercy Chapel, adoring, praising, loving, and giving all to Jesus.  Outside the door of the chapel is a bookcase filled with all kinds of faith inspiring books.  One of the saints that has made an obvious impact on my faith is St. Bernadette of Lourdes.  I love her!  A few Fridays ago I was scanning the bookcase for something to read or meditate on, when I saw the book called, 'Bernadette Speaks: A life of Saint Bernadette Soubirous in her own words,' by Rene Laurentin.  I've discovered many things about St. Bernadette that surprised me while reading the book.  When asked how old she was, St. Bernadette didn't know if she was 13 or 14 years old!  What is even more surprising is how much St. Bernadette was ridiculed, mocked, teased, threatened, and even slapped for going to the grotto where the Immaculate Conception had called her to and St. Bernadette promised to go.  St. Bernadette's family, friends, teachers, nuns, police, and even priests doubted her and made horrible threats to St. Bernadette if she continued to go to the grotto; they thought she was making up the whole story of seeing a Lady just for attention.  St. Bernadette and her family were very poor and thought very low of already, so people accused St. Bernadette for making up the story for money and food, but every time somebody had offered St. Bernadette anything like that, she refused.  What is so moving about St. Bernadette is how faithful she was to Our Lady, that nothing had stopped her from going to the grotto.  St. Bernadette was interrogated and interviewed countless times, and to the point of exhaustion but St. Bernadette still always told the truth.  The interrogators and interviewers often mixed up or twisted her words, in which St. Bernadette corrected just as quickly.  I think St. Bernadette describes her "call" to Our Lady at the grotto perfectly when she said, while being interrogated by a prosecutor, "I feel too much happiness when I go."  Then the prosecutor tells her, "Happiness is a bad counselor! You'd do better to listen to the nuns, who told you it was an illusion."  St. Bernadette then responds, "I'm drawn by an irresistible force."  I read that St. Bernadette had woke early in the morning and felt the irresistible force and tried to go back to sleep, but the force was too great that she got up immediately and dressed.  Her parents told her to go back to sleep and she could go to the grotto when it was daylight, but St. Bernadette said she couldn't wait.  So her family dressed as well and went with her while it was still dark out.  St. Bernadette saw Our Lady that morning.  How many times have you been drawn by an irresistible force that gave you so much happiness?

Can you imagine that Our Lady has been with St. Bernadette, and everyone, the whole time?  Our Lady wasn't disappearing into heaven when she wasn't appearing to St. Bernadette, but Our Lady is in our hearts and Our Lady never leaves us.  Our Lady didn't call St. Bernadette to a holy place.  The grotto was actually a place of filth and that is one of the reasons they made fun of St. Bernadette.  Why would a beautiful Lady appear to St. Bernadette in a filthy place?  Our Lady was calling St. Bernadette to make known the irresistible force in doing the will of God.  Our calling to His will has nothing to do with how perfect we are.  St. Bernadette didn't know how to read and St. Bernadette also hadn't made her first Holy Communion when Our Lady began appearing to her.  St. Bernadette and her family were one of the poorest, and St. Bernadette was always sickly.  So, St. Bernadette had nothing to offer Our Lady, except her promise to keep going back to the grotto.  What is also amazing about St. Bernadette is how humble she is.  A man had brought his blind daughter to the grotto, where when St. Bernadette saw the girl she immediately loved her and removed the scarf that covered her eyes and kissed her.  St. Bernadette and the girl laughed and hugged.  The girl gained her vision and was able to see; and when being questioned, St. Bernadette had said that it wasn't she who healed the girl.  St. Bernadette hadn't been to the grotto in weeks but she began visiting a boy that had been sick all his life.  The boy had an illness that prevented him from closing his mouth and made it difficult for him to eat.  When St. Bernadette saw him, she was surprised by how unpleasant the boy looked, but she never made that known to him.  Instead St. Bernadette approached him and talked to him.  The more St. Bernadette talked to him, the more the boy ate.  Soon the boy was eating whole meals throughout the day and they began calling it a miracle.  Again, St. Bernadette was questioned and she simply said, "It wasn't me that caused his healing. I have no power at all to heal anybody."  St. Bernadette was a simple and innocent child that followed the irresistible force of God's will.  St. Bernadette never worried of how she looked or what she owned, but knew only that the irresistible force made her happy.   

Also, we are not called to Him by Our Lady, but we are called by Him through Our Lady, the Blessed Virgin Mary.  I think the most powerful prayer we can pray is, "I entrust all to Mary."  Didn't God do that first when He placed Jesus in her womb through the Holy Spirit?  Do you think that the irresistible force is the Holy Spirit?  Do you think Mary felt the irresistible force as well?  I think so.  I hope and pray that you begin to experience and recognize the irresistible force that calls you to God's will.  What also amazed me about St. Bernadette is that she never seemed surprised by the actions of everyone around her.  When she was given the message by Our Lady, the Immaculate Conception, to tell the priest to build the chapel - that was hard!  It was hard to read because the priest was so mean to St. Bernadette, but after all of that she delivered the message and left so joyfully.  St. Bernadette said, "I delivered the message!"  And she went on her way.  St. Bernadette didn't cry because the priest didn't believe her, she wasn't discouraged, and she didn't complain about how hard it was.

I haven't read 100 pages of this book yet and I absolutely love it.  I love St. Bernadette and Our Lady of Lourdes, Jesus, Holy Spirit, St. Joseph, God, and the list goes on....
I'm praying for you - please pray for me and my family.  Thank you.

Love will take us home (through Mary)

God is simply amazing, even when we are confused in our thoughts and souls.  Even when our thoughts are so polluted that we can't sleep.  Even when we have our backs turned to Him, wondering where He is.  Even when we don't believe that He is a loving and merciful Father.  Our thoughts and beliefs in Him do not change Who He is.  He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  When we are hopeless, His hope remains.  When we feel unloved, His love is there.  Why we are not receiving from Him is because we are seeking Him in places we want to find Him.  The most profound ways that God as entered my heart and soul have been through the most simple and humble ways.  I never thought that I had to prove my love for Him or that I had to be good enough for Him to answer my prayer.  Always, He gives His love to me and He has answered every prayer, even when it wasn't what I wanted but it was needed.  He provides us with all that we need to become His son and daughter, to become united in His love, and to strengthen our love and faith in His will.

The first way that I had fully grasped, with mind, body, and soul, that I was His daughter had come through when I accepted Mary as my mother.  Mary really does magnify our Lord and His love.  I don't know any other way to Jesus than through Mary.   I know what my life was like without even a thought of Mary and her intercession compared to what my life is like now with Mary as my constant companion - it's two different worlds.  There are times when I actually feel like I don't belong in this world, nothing in this world truly satisfies my heart and soul as Jesus does.  Then I started to feel bad because I thought, 'I shouldn't be so proud to think that I don't fit into this world. God created all that is love, truth, and goodness. I shouldn't overlook any of His creation in this world.'  Recently I have thought, 'I really do not belong in this world.  It is not my home, but heaven is. I just pray to do what He wills in this world, for His glory and love.  It's OK to feel like I don't belong, even Jesus was cast out of homes, towns, and this world.'  I wrote to a friend a while ago and said, "Mary is the ultimate helicopter mom."  She hovers over us every second - caring, loving, with concern for our souls, and before we could even finish a prayer, she is at work with her Son Jesus, bringing our needs to Him.  Through Mary it is a life of miracles, like at the wedding at Cana, when she brought the need to Jesus, and Jesus performed a miracle.  Mary doesn't have control over Jesus or her will isn't greater than His.  Jesus is her will, Jesus is her everything.  Her requests and intercessions never contradict the love and will of Him.

There is no other way to know what love is other than by the sacrifices that were made in order for it to endure.  Jesus is the ultimate sacrifice so that His love endures in our hearts and souls.  Mary shows us our love in Jesus by her "yes" to be His mother.  Her yes has opened an unworthy world to receive a worthy Savior, through Mary.  We are always unworthy because of our sin, but through Mary she helps us wash our soul, to purify our hearts and minds, so that we may look at Jesus with love and not shame.  I know some people think that Jesus will call them when they meet a certain standard and that our Catholic Church has rules to be followed, but the truth is that Jesus loves us simply and humbly.  Jesus calls us every second of the day to know Him.  I just didn't magically fall in love with Jesus and my world changed.  I questioned Him and I was hesitant in following Him.  He never refused a question but always answered.   The more Jesus answered, the more I asked, the more I knew Him, and the more I loved Him.  Through Mary she has showed me that my worth to Jesus exceeds anything in this world, and that is why I choose to wash my soul, purify my heart and soul - because I am a sinful person but I am not defined by my sin, but by His love for me.  There is nothing and nobody in this world that could change His love for me or change my love for Him.  All the "rules" Catholics follow are not to dehumanize who we are, but reveal the love God continues to give us since Jesus walked the earth, and were given to us by Jesus.  I love our Catholic Church because everything I've "followed" has increased my faith, hope, and love in God.  Recently I had been struggling with an issue that I was so embarrassed by that I didn't tell anybody, and continued to try to discern on my own.  I stayed up all night praying about it and at first I was feeling defeated, with a foggy mind and confused thoughts.  I kept praying through the intercession of Mary and by morning I was just determined to go out and face the battle.  I did ask for prayers, which ended up being a miracle.  I'm still in awe of it because I was directed to call a priest who would pray with me over the phone, and the priest has charismatic gifts of discernment of spirits and deliverance.  I wasted no time calling the priest and we prayed for a while, the priest even prayed in tongues, and by the time we were finished my soul was calm and at peace - and my mind was clearing with thoughts of Jesus.  The priest talked to me about fallen spirits and how they retaliate, so always invoke the Precious Blood of Jesus because that is the greatest weapon.  I wasted no time in praying for the protection of the Precious Blood.

Sometimes I overthink the will of God, to the point of feeling like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to and then I start feeling bad about it.  Through Mary, I've learned to trust more in His will than my own.  It's easy to say, "Your will be done, not mine."  It's challenging in living that way, especially in the world that we live in now with all the technology that allows us into the lives of other people, and allows other people into our lives.  The world is a competitive place and Satan loves it.  Do you know what drives your decisions?  Without even realizing it, it could be driven by fear, envy, hate, and lust even when what we do looks like we are charitable.  That's Satan's favorite way to cover his works - to make it enticing.  Through Mary, she has shown me how powerful His love is when it's given and received with pure intentions, not for any benefit of ourselves.  If you really loved somebody, you would sacrifice for them, you want to see them happy, you want them to be healthy, you want what is best for them even if it breaks your heart - that is how God loves us.  God sacrificed His Son so that we may become His daughters and sons, His will was made for us to be fulfilled with true joy, through Jesus we are given the sacraments to keep our mind, heart, and soul healthy.  Mary is our mother to guide us in His will because it is a mother's love that softens and opens our hearts and souls to Him through every adversity we face.  How many times have you said you forgive someone but yet still carry that feeling of betrayal with you, so that when you see the person you don't feel true joy, only a wish that you wouldn't have seen them?  I've felt that way many times!  Through Mary she has taught me to see Jesus in the other person, to pray for their heart, mind, and soul, and to love them even if they don't love me back.  Through Mary we learn to be humble, to be patient, to be still, to accept His love and give it to others, to be pure, to have joy, to pray, to serve, and to love Jesus with all we are and all we have - because the will of our Father calls us to.  Love brought us here and Love will take us home.

Thank you and God bless!