Praying

I love praying and I love having the freedom to pray.  Prayer doesn't cost a thing.  Prayer is intimate.  St. Therese of Lisieux says it best, "For me, prayer is a surge of the heart; it is a simple look turned toward heaven, it is a cry of recognition and of love, embracing both trial and joy."  Prayer is also listening to God, as He speaks in the silence.  Why would He choose to be so quiet, when one whisper from Him can sound like thunder?  God speaks in the silence because He wants us to choose to listen.  I didn't grow up in a church and after high school I was busy doing whatever I wanted to do.  Most of it was bad for me, but I was having fun.  Then one evening, as I was walking, I wondered who I could ask about my life and why I was living.  Then I heard Him say, "Ask Me."  I had to turn around to make sure nobody was behind me, because I thought I must have said that out loud, but nobody was behind me.  I continued to wonder who I could ask and thought about my Kunsi's, my mom, and then I heard His voice again say, "Ask Me."  Instead of looking around me, I looked up.  In that moment of quiet for me, wondering about the meaning of my life, I heard God speak to me.  Since then I've been seeking His voice, His love, His consolation, and His mercy in everything and everyone.  I couldn't do a thing without prayer:  praying through it, praying after, and giving thanks to God for revealing His love and mercy.  Prayer is life.

Within the past few weeks I feel like I have suffered in my prayer life.  I've been having anxiety attacks every day, sometimes twice a day, and I feel like I suddenly became spiritually numb, but I have stuck to faithfully praying the rosary every morning, even though it feels like I'm just repeating words; like the words just fall out of my mouth with no meaning and they don't make sense to me.  My mind goes off somewhere else and the moment I realize what I'm doing, I tell Jesus that I'm sorry.  I know He is with me and He knows how truly sorry I am, but I am disappointed in myself for being so distracted in prayer.  I don't know if what I do should be right or wrong for me.  It's as though my soul and my body are two different beings, and both are thirsting for what is opposite of the other.  I feel no consolation in choosing which thirst to satisfy.  I wonder how this could be, how this happened, and when is it going to end.  I wonder if I'll fully get over this, or will it always be a struggle to satisfy each one separately?  Sometimes I'll get bursts of joy that could float me off my feet, but they don't last long.  As quickly as they come, they leave, and then I have to force myself to continue in that joy.  Even though my body and soul feel like two separate beings, each thirsting for what is opposite of the other, there is always Jesus at the end of every thirst.  If I satisfy the thirst of my body, Jesus has to be the beginning and the end.  If I satisfy the thirst of my soul, Jesus has to be the beginning and the end.  I don't know how this happened and I often reflect on what I could have done to prevent this, but my memory is also in a twist.  One afternoon I could not remember what I did that morning, and it had only been five hours before.  

An anxiety attack is being overwhelmed with fear and terror that something awful is going to happen, or that you're going to lose your mind.  It's thinking that you're going to have a heart attack.  It's trembling and shaking.  It's not being able to sit down.  It's not being able to focus.  It's having a million thoughts in your mind all at once.  There is always one thing that I am sure of - I love Jesus.  In all those millions of thoughts, I find Jesus and I hang onto Him.  In the fear and terror, I think of Jesus hanging on His cross and I know that whatever happens I am always His.  I choose Jesus.  When I can't sit down, then I walk and think of Jesus carrying His cross.  There is another thing that I am absolutely sure of, which has been guiding me in this - receiving Jesus in Holy Communion.  I had an anxiety attack before confession, so I didn't want to go but I knew I had to.  When I walked into the church and knelt to pray, I almost got up and took myself to the hospital because I felt the anxiety rise up again but I held myself there, and even though I had no words to pray I told Jesus, "Looking at You hanging on the cross gives me comfort. I have no words to pray but I give this all to You."  I don't know how this happened to me but I know it is not without the will of God, and thank Him for the friends that have been through this and offer me support and encouragement.  I couldn't handle this without the support from them. 

Please pray for me. Of course, without praying as much as I usually do - I don't feel like myself.

I have a couple anxiety disorders, please pray that I overcome this, for and by God's will - through His love and mercy.

A very comforting quote by Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska, 

   "In spite of everything, Jesus, I trust in You in the face of every interior sentiment which sets itself against hope.  Do what You want with me; I will never leave You, because You are the source of my life."