This year has been one of the hardest years of my life! It has been one of the most fulfilling too. I don't think I would have felt a love so deep from Jesus if I didn't have the events of this year happen. There's always one thing that I'm sure of and that is 'I love Jesus.' There's always a question after that, 'How much?' We should all know that Jesus loves us. He loves us because He accepted death on a cross for us, Jesus accepted a crown of thorns for us, Jesus accepted being whipped for us, and He accepted that He would lose His life for us - and so He did because He loves us. The question is, 'Do we accept His love?' Do we accept what we suffer so that we may rise with Him in eternal life? I'm trying. Don't be intimidated by suffering though. We all suffer but some more than others. We don't all suffer equally. We all can't suffer like Jesus because He is the only Savior of the world, the Savior of our souls. As Jesus is the only one to have suffered so brutally on earth, for love, truth, and mercy, and accepting crucifixion - we are the only ones to suffer what we must when we accept His love. God didn't create us to suffer but to love. Saint Mother Teresa said, "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more Love." So when I look back on this year, I only see Love.
When my auntie was diagnosed with lung cancer I resigned as director of an Early Learning Childcare Center so that I could take care of her. My auntie was really sick, so I planned to be with her for a year and more if she needed me to. The doctors didn't make it sound like she was going to get better any time soon. They said they wanted to "try" chemotherapy and "try" radiation, and after the first rounds then they would see how she's doing. It was possible that she may have needed up to three to four rounds each, and after that then maybe her tumor would have shrunk enough for them to operate on it. Within three months her whole tumor was completely gone and she didn't even have her first round of radiation yet. One round of chemotherapy was two treatments a day for 15 days. The doctor said they would still do the radiation, just in case anything may have been missed. I knew something was going to change with her when, after her second week of treatment of chemotherapy, I walked into her house and she was up cooking, her house was cleaned, and there was a cake on her kitchen table. I walked in and I was kind of confused at first. I asked who cleaned, and she said she did. I asked who baked the cake, and she said she did. I was amazed. All I could see was Jesus. I started laughing and sat down, then I asked her, "You really baked this cake?" She said, "Yeah. Take a piece. I feel really good. I slept good." Just the day before I stayed with her until she was in bed because she was really sick. She was shivering like she had the flu and had to force herself to eat, and the color of her skin was pale. I went home worried, but after that night my auntie never went back to being sick like that for the rest of her treatments.
My son was also going through a tough time in school, so I was in a battle about that. That is also the time that he was diagnosed with autism. When my auntie had to do her treatments, we stayed a whole week away from home, and then we went home on weekends. It was hard separating from my son like that, but I had to for my auntie. I called him every day after school and every night before bed. I knew he would be well taken care of by my parents, they spoil him like crazy, but I worried about how the change would affect him. He had doctor appointments as well and since there isn't anything in our area for autism, or braces, we had to travel a couple hours away just to see doctors. So some days I would be on the road for up to five or six hours and a couple times I had to ask my sister to come and get my son, because I was too tired to drive any more. During that time my son was diagnosed with autism, I had to fight for his accommodations in school because for some reason the special education director and our case manager at his school didn't believe that he had autism, even though he was diagnosed by the psychologist and psychiatrist, and he had to see an orthodontist because he needed braces. I had to call an advocate, write letters, and enforce our rights in his school.
During the week that my auntie was declared cancer free, my mom was diagnosed with cirrhosis. My mom was throwing up blood and I had never seen that in my life - and it was so much! She had to be flown to a hospital, a couple hours away, and within a couple days she needed five pints of blood. I was at the edge of every feeling. I wasn't sure how to feel! I was numb by my mom's sickness. How could that happen to my mom? I only heard about people getting cirrhosis because they drink too much and my mom doesn't drink. The doctor said it was caused from a combination of her diabetes and medication, especially ibuprofen. The doctor did tests on her and said that her liver is badly damaged. My mom had to travel every other week, back to the hospital, to get a scope procedure done because she was still bleeding. During the scope procedure they would place bands in her stomach to stop the bleeding and she needed up to almost thirty bands, altogether. The doctor said her liver is badly damaged but it is functioning as normal as one could! I said that's awesome.
When I look back on this year, there is only more Love. Jesus was present the whole time, but even in His closeness I have been struggling. A priest told me that the closer we are to Jesus, the more we see how we offend Him, and not to feel bad about going to confession up to three times a week - St. Paul went every day. What would I have done if not for priests, family, and friends? A support system is needed and having praying friends is the most important. Praying is important because we are lifting each other up, asking for our needs to be met, and even when we think we know what we should pray for - Mary takes it to Jesus with purity and humility. Every day I'm saying, "This is Yours Jesus." Jesus is amazing. On February 27th of this year, my dad was baptized, confirmed, and received Holy Communion in the Catholic Church. On the same day, my parents had their marriage blessed, and my mom received Holy Communion after 30 plus years. In the midst of my auntie's, mom's, and son's diagnosis, I still enrolled in school and managed to complete two semesters this year and I also became a Certified Nurses Assistant. School was even hard! I did get behind in my homework but I wasn't purposely blowing off my homework to watch TV. I chose to make rosaries. I said, "Jesus, if I fail my school work, these rosaries would be worth it. Right now I feel like I should be making rosaries and not my homework. I trust in You that I am doing Your will." We also moved into an apartment in the midst of this year and somehow I managed without a job for a few months. That was the number one question I have been asked, "How are you surviving?" It's not putting all our trust in Jesus and then sitting back while He acts on it. It's putting our trust in Jesus, having faith, never losing hope, always praying, trusting His Divine Providence, having Mary, and then making choices. Jesus is never absent from a choice. Jesus is always a choice. Jesus didn't come to us floating on a cloud, wearing a crown of gold, and surrounded by angels. Instead He came as a baby, born of the Virgin Mary. Jesus is always the choice of humility and He has always provided enough. This year can be said in one statement: Accept His love in everything, never stop praying, and always be thankful - not that it could be worse or that you received more than you thought, but thankful for the choices that brought you closer to Jesus.
Thank you and God bless you.
Thank you to the priests that support and guide me.
Thank you to my friends, for always praying, encouraging, and supporting.
Thank you to every one that has prayed for me and my family.
Thank you to those that I've made rosaries for - I am incredibly thankful to share with you in our Mother's love for Jesus.
Thank you to everyone that I've talked to this year - I have been gifted by your words.
Please continue prayers for my auntie, mom, and son in their continued health - spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
Please pray for our priests! We would be lost without them.
Pray for everyone struggling to have a relationship with Mary.
I'm praying for you every day. "In you I see Jesus."
No comments:
Post a Comment